If you’ve found yourself questioning your friendships and relationships lately, you’re not alone. Over the past few years, several people may have walked out of your life—and now you’re left with a quiet, heavy question: Is it me? Not in a self-blaming way, but in a why does this keep happening way.
This was one of the main themes in my recent webinar last week: many people aren’t struggling because they’re bad at relationships, but because they were never taught how to connect safely.
Trauma Teaches Protection, Not Connection
When you grow up dismissed, criticized, neglected, or bullied, you don’t learn connection; you learn protection. That protection shows up as guarding yourself, overthinking, testing people, pulling away, or trying to control relationships before they can hurt you. These behaviors aren’t flaws; they’re survival strategies shaped by your nervous system.
Why Safe People Can Feel Unsafe
As an adult, you may now be meeting people who are consistent, accountable, and respectful. Cognitively, you can see they’re safe, but your body reacts as if they’re a threat. Green flags feel overwhelming. Closeness feels risky. Consistency feels suffocating. This isn’t intuition; it’s familiarity.
Learning a New Language of Connection
If you’re trying to build community while relying on survival behaviors, connection will always feel hard. Healthy relationships require learning a new language of connection, not more self-protection. That language includes letting people show you who they are, saying no without over-explaining, not assuming intent, and allowing trust to build over time instead of forcing control.
You don’t have to earn belonging. You don’t have to perform to be loved. But you do have to tolerate some discomfort to create a different outcome than the ones trauma taught you to expect.
What’s Next
We explored this deeply my recent webinar, and because it resonated so strongly, I’ll be hosting a follow-up in early March 2026, along with an in-person event at the end of March 2026. If this speaks to you, stay connected. More is coming, and these are conversations you’ll want to be in the room for.
~Sheneica